Living it.....

This is about a man who has lived life by his rules.He is heartbreakingly handsome,charming,chivalrous,courageous and caring.Born on 12th Sept 1957,he is growing old hence the looks might still not be as they used to be but the remnants,for sure tell the story of the era bygone.Rest of him has only improved with time.
I am not a damsel in love with him, nor a homosexual. The words above have been said by a younger brother.This is one of the rare times that i have sat down to appreciate him and if he was to read this,he would be surprised.Anil Bakshi,my elder brother is 4 yrs and 6 months older than me but I did not realize that the age difference was so small till one day I sat down and calculated the difference between his date of birth and 11 March 1962,the day I had landed.
I call him Bhaiyya when he is not around but in person he is just Anil.
Bhaiyya and I are almost 180 degree opposite in our behaviour pattern except for one commonality,we are both straight in our sexual orientation.Going over the rest of it,he is good looking i'm not.He is charming, I barely go past hello.He is chivalrous,i am yet to aquire this trait at the young age of 48.He is courageous,i don't have that gene.He is caring towards all in need.I tried to care,by chance the odd recepient was a beautiful girl.My attempt was taken as flirtation.I decided,enough was enough,and called it a day.
What I am about to narrate are not screenplays of indian movies but actual events from Bhaiyyas and my life.
I remember Bhiayya fighting with five brothers of a criminal family with a single lathee for the cause of a neighbours family,an elderly childless couple.Iwas valiantly hiding behind my little girlfriend .By the way most of the opponenets faced major jail terms, later in their lives for bigger crimes.Second,an incident in which one Didi from our 'colony' was misbehaved with,by some one in the Bus.Baiyya was there with Didi's actual brother.Real brother appeared to have been my sort,Bhaiyya had to do the honours. Episode narrated to us by the victim Didi.
In early 80's DTC had aquired new Mercedes engine buses with superb pick up.Hoever,elderly Delhites were still used to the slow acceleration of earlier local brand engines.Drivers of these new buses realized, they had grown wings and used to suddenly accelerate leading to accidents with passengers boarding the bus. Bhaiyya and I were witness to such an accident where the victim was an old lady.He was the first to reach her, pick her up put her in an auto and take her to the nearest nursing home.In Dilwalon ki Dilli, this gesture was rare and is still rare since those times.Reason,nobody wants to deal with the polce later. I was already on my way to becoming a first class gazetted officer,hence i remained in the back ground,lest the brush with police hurt my prospects as a budding......Later, Iwent to pick up Bhaiyya from the nursing home, I found him personaly spoon feeding some fluid to the old lady.He waited till her people came and the Dr declared her stable,much to my annoyance.My problem,His Royal Highness had to wait....
Rest later.

Notes to......

I was of the ripe old age of  Three. And i had my first crush!She was fair,had an oval face,a softness where ever i ended up touching her,courtesy her holding me.I did not know it but, she was my first love.She used to wear a skirt.She must  have been, my rather elderly sisters friend.By the way i have two, rather elderly doting sisters.At three, everyone is cute but I am told i was extraordinarily so!It suits, I believe it.So, i was always up in her arms or her lap ,whenever she visited,which was often, to say the least.
And then I was Nine. They told me,if you go to the 'hostel','Dhobi' washes your clothes.His Highness, sort of agreed . Never went back home since then.Love the song 'Country roads take me home....'.Sounds nice,touches the heart but not a chord.I always go to the loved ones,meet them but never do I  go, visiting home .
Got married.Have a doting family.
I happen to be in a job,where all that one has to do is,Boss around. Suits His Royal Highness.
I was the number two man there. Sort of field job.Included interviewing people , selecting and training them for something, i didn't believe in.Still,happened to come across various suitable candidates,selected them and tried to train them.Try as I may,I could not stick to the official syllabus but , amazingly adored the trainees.All of them.
Love, the ultimate human realization.They were young,they loved me and for once I felt I had reached Home.
They are all much older now,obviously.Some keep in touch,others have not been able to.
But then there is Z, knows where i am but refuses to keep in touch.It hurts,I acknowledge.But why do i care?.After all it is 'just' a trainee.What has been my mistake? I loved all of them.Its a matter of how i was understood,differently,by each one.I don't know; i must have done something wrong? OR right? Hence, this response.
By the way, let me confess, people half my age would give an arm and a leg for what i am 'confused' over.Y ,my better half agrees.
I DON"T KNOW.Why don't i respond? Straight,the way I am known to do.It will hurt, any which way. And I care.
Let time do the needful.Like all 'happenings',I shall also pass.

Why I Couldnot........

I was young.Looking forward to a promising future.Then 1 day my elder sister told me that i was destined to be something Bbbbiigggg.Now, i don't know about you but i used to and still believe what ever she said and says.Like,she told me before the aforesaid statement that i was Very handsome.Resultant i must have missed being part of half a dozen love stories; i was too handsome for being in them etc.Then my Dear Didi told me i was a GENIUS.Now that was a cracker of a combination,Handsome and a Genius.So few more embryonic love stories bit dust and I kept moving forward.If not half a league half a league at a time then at least half a dream half a dream and for sure into the VALLEY OF DEATH of my, could have been Love Stories.AND THEN...
 came this thunderbolt which seemed to have been written by some great Seer in ancient times in some kind of sansikritised hyrioglyphics which only a certain equally great Seer of present day could decipher ,of course on payment of a certain Fee ( paid by my loving Didi and told to me).THAT I WAS GOING TO BE BIG.
I was mesmerized by this great realization that my yet to become great name was already known to someone in prehistoric or nearer home in so called Vedic times . But more Endearing that I was to become something Biiiiigg.
This was the time when i had reached marriageable age.But..... no one seemed to be throwing their daughters at me nor had i been kidnapped by any bunch of beauties.Then they made me join a job in which one of the unwritten rules was "No Feminine Form (of any specie)Allowed in Vicinity".With no love stories in sight, i threw myself into the new job, waiting each day for the prophecy of becoming Biiigg come true.Now we had the Lethal combination of Handsome Genius with Biigg written all over him: ME.I am sure i did think of my Bosses as the inferior specimens of my( oh no!) specie who someday would tell tales of how they had been at one time been in the presence of THE GREAT ME.I excused them their ignorance and waited for the great DAY.
AND then it HAPPENED.I came across this nerdy looking doctor woman Now these "Doctresses" are allowed everywhere,their SEX not withstanding, hence her presence in  A NO DAMES ALLOWED AREA.She said Hi, I said HAI and then this female had the audacity to vanish.............for 1.............0 dddddddddddaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyys.Handsome Genius Going to be Great me was restless.What gumption?To vanish after saying Hi to The Great Me!!!!
ELEVENTH DAY.She came back. I saw her and forgot all that my sister, the seer, the prophecy had said.Rest is History as is generally said. I MANAGED to somehow get married to this cute confident yet shy beautiful brilliant professional from the field of medicine.Few months passed and I actually did become

BBBIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
Around the WAIST.
She had been told by her grandmother it seems; the way to a man's heart is through his STOMACH. Ayyiyo Ammumma ,WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I think the prophecy will have to wait  another round of my going and coming.Till then one would have to be satisfied with my having become someTHING Big rather than SOMEONE.

Chasing

Spent a lifetime chasing deadlines,goals,others aspirations for me. Achieved a bit by the world's standards.Future is chalked out for me. All I have to do is tow the line; Do all the proper things, say all that I am supposed to say, when I am supposed to say and to the right person and rt person alone. THEN I shall be successful. This never relenting SUCCESSOMETRE  will be placed next to my pyre too. All the WITNESSES will either be crying ( u c dere successometre is also ticking) or cluck clucking either in praise( ref succ.....tre) or on the sly( metre should not catch u c)  saying something well deservedly nasty.
But what the hell am i doing in all this.Agreed I am no saint or faqir; I love good cars, i like having sufficient money,love all the good things of life but then to achieve those and be able to enjoy those I have to play by the rules of the SUCCESSOTHON.Catch 22 .
When wiil I get to do what I want? Now so much of time has passed since I first wanted IT that I have forgotten what was IT?Ishould be relieved BUT I am not. Even changed " what I want" many times over but could not give a slip to the RULES OF SUC.......
And I am supposedly the main character in this. Captain of my ship, master of my destiny.
Either all those BIGGIES who wrote it and left it for the likes of me were appropriate liars high on S SCALE  LATER  admired by  a large  MASS  who wanted to be at least halfway up the Scale OR
I AM FROM MARS.I have at BEST BEEN AN INTERSTED SPECTATOR TO MY OWN LIFE.
Ghalib wrote " Hota Hai Zabeen Roz Tamasha Mere Aage". That seems to have been 1 guy who didn't bother 4 de metre.Let me try emulating his guts for the evening.
 I will  prepare my first drink of the evening and for a little while put THE MMMM...... AWAY. Far enough that its ticking doesn't bother me and  the SCORE  doesn't matter .